Hey y'all (;

Exams are finally over and I can officially declare that I'm a free soul now! *thumbs up
Well, I gotta admit that rebelling is much more fun when you're actually rebelling.
Like now, I can go online anytime, sleep anytime, and do whatever anytime.
Where's the fun in breaking the rules then?
Ohwells, I only have another month before college starts. So make the best out of it right? ;)

Just a lil' something I was doing, DURING exams. Hahahah! See, rebelling IS fun x)

Take a step back from your life, and stop to view others. You'll see, you're not the only one that feels.

Sometimes, things really aren't as they seem. People too, aren't always what the appear to be. Most of us put on a mask without even knowing it. If you don't hear it, doesn't mean they never told you. If you don't see it, doesn't mean they never showed you. If you don't know it, doesn't mean it never existed. If you take the initiative to ask, you will know. If you don't, you'll always live with the wrong idea. & I've been living with the wrong idea for too long.

Point is.. Stop, reverse and hand out a simple "Are you okay?". It'll save a day.

Yess! Drastic change to my blog, no more emotional dreadful posts. We're being optimistic today :)) And hopefully every other day too!
Hmm, I'm quite aware that nobody reads this at all. But then again, I'm quite used to talking to the wall, or the computer or the air x)

So, history is finally HISTORY! *thumbs up for that. thank you very much :)
And I'm finally having a break. At least like a 3days break before the war starts again.
Oh, Shiva says; The game isn't over until the final whistle, the match isn't over until the final point.
So the point is...the battle is so not over yet :(( *a moment of silence to truly feel the sorrow of the situation please.






OVER!


Hmm, I have no idea what I'm doing online when everyone else is OUT! Yes, repeat, they are OUT! Maan, I should have gone out too, but knowing me, walking under the blazing sun would've been agonizing! I suppose I should just get off now and go to bed :) Since the bed is where we find the pleasure within. Hahaha Wipe those wiggly eyebrows off, I meant to say some decent sleep :D

After a good siesta, its off to calculations :) Heey, no complains this week x)
Tataa C:

Why do we choose to feel sadness? Out of all the emotions in this world, why sadness? Some can shut it out whenever they want to, but some let the emotion take control of us and feed its need instead of our own. Some, like myself, fall to our knees upon sadness. When we're showered with sadness, we don't run along to shelter, instead we stand under the rain, just letting the sadness consume us, leaving us drenched with depression. Why do we do that? Why do we keep reminding ourselves of the sad parts of the day instead of looking for light in the darkness? Because we are insecure. We're unsure of the future, and we're unsure of our commitment to the present.

I feel like I'm loosing grip of what I have. I know schools about to end. So what? School will end. And we will go to college. There's nothing anyone can do about that. But why am I fussing over it? Why am I so upset when everyone seem to have accepted that fact? Why is it that I keep pondering about the problem which is an impasse? We all know life is but a journey. You cant travel the same road twice, but you can journey on to a new road, new experience, new people. I know what I need to do. But whether I can do it or not, is just another question. Jan, just wake up. Smell the air, the truth. Stop living in your dream. We're leaving high school. We're leaving each other. Full stop.

People say, an end to high school doesn't mean an end to friendship. But why do I feel like I'm already beginning to lose touch of people I love? Its like, I'm not in the girls gang anymore. Heh Why is that even a surprise? I doubt I was ever really in it. Since primary school, I was never really in the girls gang. I used to choose 'ice and fire' over gossip periods. And also punk rock boy bands over girl groups. Girls never chose me from the bunch, because I never stood out. Its just lately that they have been doing things without me. Is it my stupid emotional state thats giving off terrible vibe that keeps them away? Or are they just not so into making friends with me anymore? Whatever it is, I'm loosing touch. And school hasn't even end yet. Its all pretty clear that I'm just feeling pathetic about my life. Who wants to make friends with a sadist?

And then there's you. My friend. You weren't just any friend, I trusted you very much. You were like that little joy to my day's end. Someone who I thought was close to my other half. But then again, my judgement towards people were usually wrong. I always thought you were too good to be true. The words you said, the promises you made. I always knew you weren't the person I imagined you to be. But its just that sometimes you manage to live up to my expectations, and beyond that too. And those small moments keep me lingering on to you for much longer than I was suppose to. I always tell myself, "Maybe you'll surprise me. Maybe it's different this time." But it never was. I don't want to pretend anymore. I can't be like you. Not even half like you. I'm just not carefree. Nor do I mean it when I say, "I'm okay" because most of the time I'm not. But what difference does it make, voicing it out. Maybe there is this part of you that really cares for me. Maybe there isn't. But its just so tiring to linger around and wait for you to show that side of you which may or may not exists. So, I guess its better this way. We're slowly letting go, like its better left untold.

Jan, if there's one thing you need to tell yourself is that, life is a grey area. There's no right or wrong. There's no yes or no. There's no do or don't. Life is what you make of it. Live it to the fullest and you'll learn to live with the consequences of your mistakes. Live it with doubts and you'll forever drown in regrets. Why do you want to leave school remembering the last few days as a solemn piece of memory. Choose to remember something you love as ... well, something you love. Make the right choice now, make the difference!

WAKE UP! Slap me please :(

This post goes out to my friend, with multiple amounts of personalities :)

First, he's the gangster. But as time past, and bonds start to form, he's the friend. And if you're so lucky to break pass his shield, he's the best friend :) So which category am I in? Hahah

You see, life is like a journey, and it makes so much sense when you think about it with a deeper thought. You explore new places, choose where you want to go, and which road you'll want to take. There's too many places in this world, whether they are different countries, states, cities or even mere street roads. We can never manage to travel every single road in this world. Same goes to life. There's many choices that we'll have to make, and like the poem, 'The Road Not Taken', we find that we won't be able to experience every opportunity life offers us. There comes a time where you're tied between decisions which may lead to an impasse. You cross your fingers, pray in your heart and walk down your chosen road, hoping for the best. And if you're lucky, you'll be strolling with a smile on your face :)

As I look back now, I know that the road I chose, though sometimes shaky and cold, but the view was spectacular :) Hey, what's life without some bumps? Hahaha. So now, we look back with gratefulness, and face front with courage. Choose a new road, make a few wrong turns and laugh at it later :D

It was a rainy morning. But Kayla wasn't complaining. The breeze was cool, brushing against her cheeks, sending jitters down her spine. This was the best weather to start a new day, she thought. Today's routine was different. No books, no friends, no technology. Just a visit back to the old house. This visit was important, she knew, but she couldn't care less. Her goal was to go there, smile a little, and leave as soon as possible. It all seem irrelevant to her. But when she stepped out of the car and into the house, the flashback starts filling her mind. The house still had that familiar scent - old, husky yet somehow comforting. She stood there behind the gates, dumbfounded before she was greeted with a warm welcome of a dog's bark, Bambi. It seemed much smaller beside her all grown up body. The turtle was still there too, in the same pail, right outside the front door. It was bigger now, than it used to be ten years ago. She remembered vividly the placing of each and every thing outside and inside that house. Nothings changed since she left.

It was not before Kayla entered the house that she felt remorse filling her guts. Why didn't I spend more time in here, she thought. She walked to the back of the house, and there she saw her, standing in the kitchen, Grandma. Grandma seemed much smaller than Kayla remembered. Her hair was as white as snow, her wrinkles visible behind those thick lens glasses and she barely reached Kayla's ears even when she stood up tall. Though she looked weak and vulnerable, but her eyes glimmered with hope when she caught sight of Kayla. Kayla felt the tears stinging her eyes, but she fought it back because the old lady was grinning with happiness and Kayla didn't want to ruin the moment with depression. Without thinking twice, Kayla ran up to Grandma and gave her a big hug. She knew that she didn't have to say anything. Words will not explain half the emotions shown by her through that hug. Grandma knew how Kayla felt, but she did not say anything, because she knew, all they need was that moment of silence, to truly appreciate each other again.


It goes to say, we never know when we're about to lose something, or someone, for that matters. Every second of our life counts and it doesn't count for ourselves only, but it counts for others too. Why don't people appreciate the small acts of others anymore? One simple act, like a hug, can bring back so much memories, memories which have been buried long time ago. Sometimes its not the dollar sign on a present that counts, its the thought behind it that truly moves a person. Its not everyday that you will get to share a moment with the ones you love. So appreciate each moment, build the memories, and never forget those who love you :)

If its yours, there's no need holding on to it. Because even if it goes away, it'll eventually come back.

For now, just let the chips fall where they may.

Expectations.

Why do people expect things? To expect is to feel. You expect because you feel like something might happen. And we all know what happens when you feel things. You break down.
So why do people still expect? I expected alot from you. And unsurprisingly, you're showing me all the opposite of what I expect of you. Which is why, I stopped expecting. I stopped wondering. I stopped feeling. That somehow comes across as being cold, heartless. But how do you expect me to feel something when I know that there's so much in line if things go wrong? Before this, I expected the same things you expect from me. Just to be treated a little bit nicer. But then it all changed when I figured out things weren't as easy as abc.
My mind is scattered now. I just wish I knew what you're really thinking about.

It was sunset. The last rays of the evening sun coloured the sky yellow, and the clouds blush a shy shade of pink. The sand was soft beneath our toes as we created tracks while walking down the beach. Your hands felt warm in mine and your fingers were sheepishly playing with mine. We strolled down the beach with no words but just a silent smile on our faces which told our story vividly. I could feel the breeze brushing agaisnt my cheeks when you reached out your hands and gently pushed a log of my hair off my cheeks. Your fingers felt cold againts my face, sending chills down my spine. The ocean water splashed our feet, sending us a tingly feeling as it retreated back to its ocean. This was the moment :)

The sun was out of sight, when the moon rose up and took its place in the sky. Tonight, the moon wasn't alone. The stars twinkled beside the moon, as if they were playing a familiar game. We laid down on the sand, staring into the sky, inhaling the sweet scent of the ocean. Listening to the waves of the sea splash at the sea was calming, but listening to your familiar velvet voice in my ears were much more charming. The environment was extremely serene that night. I can't decide if it was the cool night, or just the company. The night was easy, as we talked like we've known each other since pre-school. Simplicity was my thing. I can't decide if it was the beautiful moon and shining stars that made my dream a memorable one. Or you, my faceless boyfriend :) Hahaa

There are so many rivalry out there. And it sucks to know that we turned out like this. Laughing with each other and joking around, but behind, they're just all lies. Those smiles, compliments, hugs...just lies. But isn't that what being human is about? Lying to save your ass? How come we don't love each other like we used to? How come we're judging every time we see each other but no one has the guts to voice anything out? If you asked me to choose, I never will can. So, when will anyone step up to stop this rivalry? This silent, hypocrisy? Should I stand up?

"True friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway."

Isn't it funny how two people can be so close to each other, but behind the scenes, they actually dislike each other so much? Yes, I know that feeling. Just that, I'm the judgemental one. Because of my judgemental self, I destroyed our friendship. Because of my insecurities, I blamed you for what happened. I know that now, and I'm sorry. I hope that you forgave me after I confessed to you because everything seems so easy now. I still love you :)

Day 6

What more can I say when the day of truth is almost approaching? Is there a runaway route for me to take?

Day 5

I want you to be my friend. I can't get used to any more than that. With you, when the words I Love You comes out of your mouth, it brings along coupling, girlfriend, wife, kids, forever ever after! You're sooo committed. So much so that it makes me afraid. And it makes it so much for fearful that I see her in you. This is all just so wrong. WRONG

Day 4

" I'm sorry for making you feel like the third party. "

I was contemplating about how I should feel when I read that. Happy? Relieved? Confused? I guess its a little bit of each of the above. When I said we needed to talk, I typed it with a smile. Because I really want to tell you things. You've always said that I hide things from you, that I don't tell you enough. So, once and for all, I wanna tell you how I felt while you were gone. About everything I was thinking. But then fear stepped in when I started thinking about how you would react. I know you, you would'nt let it go even if you said you don't care. And you would face this with a frown, with sighs, with heartbreaks. I'm not letting go. I just want a fresh start. I think there have just been too many things that happened between us. All those tears, those disappointment, those betrayals. Its hard to move on having those things hanging on to me. I just want to know you again. To forget about the past, and make a new beginning. To start all over again, from the beginning, friends. Can we ever?

Day 3

I think I'm suppose to be publishing posts about how much I miss you. Yeah, I do miss you. But I don't want to. Unlike you, I can't be ... committed. Does that make me a player? I'm not ready for it. I'm seventeen. I'm just not ready to be committed. I mean, I like you, yeah, I do. But I'm just not ready to be with you. I'm not ready to tell you things you tell me. I'm not ready to treat you differently from other guys, like specially. I'm not ready to be more than friends with you. I just can't repay you. I'm the one thats not good enough. Do you understand?

Commitment, thats a huge word. And its not in my dictionary just yet.

Day 2

Do you know how bad this feels?

When people tell me that you should be with her and not me? When people say I'm in the way, the third party? When they always talk to me about you and her? When they tell me how you guys laugh together always? Sometimes when I'm talking with my friends, they'll say something about you, and she'll respond; " Yeah, I know. He was telling me about it. He feels....... ". And I'm there, dumbfounded, because I can't even say the same thing. Not knowing how you feel when she does, I just feel pathetic. Hahaha. Owh wells, then again, I'm probably the best friend and she the girlfriend right? Honestly, do you know what I think about when I look at you now? Unsurprisingly, her. And the same, I think about you when I look at her. I know I know, I should know that she's just your best friend. But knowing and feeling are two different things. You can choose to know, but you can't choose to feel.

Honestly, I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming her either. I'm not blaming anyone :) But it just gets harder every day. To face you, or her.

Day 1

I'm thinking.

Am I not always? Temperamental. Thinking. Wondering if..

Do you love me?
What am I asking. Of course the question is yes. But, here's the real question, do you know what's love? What is love? We watch tv, read books and get brain washed about what love is. Can love be explained in words? Can the feeling of being in love be represented by words? Isit that simple? I have no idea. But apparently, you do. So, what is love? Why isit that you always tell me you love me?
I'm just wondering.

I know I'm never there for you. I know I can't treat you well. I can never put you as my main priority. I can never commit. But at least I know that. I've told you before, I'm just trouble. Whenever you need someone, I'm never there. And ironicaly she is. I don't mind and I'm not angry. Its just, she's there for you more than I am. She's the one for you. Not me. Believe me or not. Deep inside, somewhere deep deep down your heart, the girl that you truly like isn't me. Its her :) And I've learnt to see that now. The only reason you like me, is because you couldn't get me. Hahah. I'm not saying you're a player. But its just the attraction law of human nature. You don't really like me. You're just curious about me. Like how it'll be if we were together. You know the song, If I let you go by Westlife? Yea, thats just what you're feeling. But its not love, I can tell you that. I'm not the one.
You said that you'll always be there for me right? Hahaha. Truth it, you barely were. There were times when I needed you, and you were with her :) there were times where I'll break down but you weren't there, instead, other people were. I just don't tell you about those times after it passed. But now that I look back at it, we're really not meant for each other. I think things were better before we decided to take a step forward.
I used to laugh with you, used to look forward to spending time with you. But now I don't feel the excitement anymore. I don't laugh when I'm with you, I don't act like myself when I'm around you. And I think you feel the same way. We don't talk much, thats a fact. We're just awkward now. Hahaha.
I guess we're better off being friends. Maybe all these while, I'm the best friend and she's the girlfriend :) Trust me in this, she's the one for you. She cares so much more about you than I do. She's there, and I won't be. Believe it or not, I really want you guys to be together :)

So, save three of us from this agony, look into your heart and find out that you're in love with her, not me :)



Hahaha. This is really like talking to myself. Maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to actually unlock my blog so that you'll read this. For now, lets just keep it in my head (:

I'm never good enough. & I'll probably never be.

How can I let you love me, when I don't even love myself?

Knowing that you're always there for me just makes me feel more ashamed of myself. I can't lose you again. But will I ever make you as happy as you make me?

All I can do is try. I'll try hard, for you.

This boy, missed his aim when he tried to throw an ice to his friend.
And thus, broody ice wacked my head.
It hit hard. The pain was unbearable. But I wasn't sure if it was the pain on my forehead, or in my guts.

I tend to make the same mistake everytime! And this time, there's no turning back. Once lost, gone forever. I can't believe I did it. What was I thinking? My mind, my heart, my actions. Urggh! I probably just lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
When you asked me why I like you, I just got scared. I don't know why. That night, my mind just went cuckoo and the next thing I knew, I lost you. I mean, gosh, I LIKE YOU. I like it when you care about me, I like it when you're honest with me, I like it when you wait for me everytime after school. But now, I'm only left with your shadow. You striked me when you said you didn't wanna be with me cause I feel guilty. I guess thats why I got scared. I like you, but I don't know why. Why? Isit because of the guilt? Isit enought overcome the guilt? Isit enough to commit myself to you? I have no idea. Thats why I freaked out, I didn't wanna use you. In whatever way, I didn't wanna do it. But what difference does it make? You're still broken up into pieces. Worse than ever this time. I keep doing this. On-off liking you. On-off hurting you, deeper each time. I'm so sick of it. So sick of myself. Every felt like you hate yourself so much that you don't mind just dying? I close my eyes and I see the pain in your eyes. I wake up each morning feeling so sick of myself. I can't even look at myself anymore. This bitch is staring at me when I look into the mirror. I can't face you anymore. I can't look at you without feeling ashamed of myself. I'm so tired of being me.

Carry on, you won't miss me when I'm gone, won't hear the phone ring. Yeah, I'm guilty, guilty of everything.
Free by Boys Like Girls (this has always been my theme song with you)

Sonnet 21.5
The pain, the sorrow, the tears in my eyes,
Are all I feel whenever you pass by,
The heart can't syncronise, with the mind,
The minute I decided to say goodbye.

Your love was deep, your love was strong,
Straight from the heart and lasted long.
I swear upon the pureness of your love,
Which can be compared to a glorious dove.

But I, foolish, naive and completely absurd,
Threw your love without a word.
Sorry; is all I have to make yours,
though I know sorry might not cure.

Now, here I sit, reciting these lines,
Confused, remorsed and completely messed in the mind.

Hahaha. You wanna know whats on my mind?

Well I'm thinking that, you'll be reading this soon. LOL
And also, I'm thinking about how I'm brainstorming to update my blog, while you're snoring your head off :P

Hmm, I'm also thinking that I don't want to like you.
I don't wanna feel frustrated or worried. Paranoid when something really small happens. I don't wanna smile like an idiot when you msg me, or frown patheticly when you don't.
But what can I do, when I already do like you?
Hahah. I told you before right? I always act as if I'm good at these things. Giving advices and all. But truth is, I've got bad experiences. Yeap, really bad ones caused by countless mistakes I made, even with you, that has left me with too much regret. I don't wanna regret this time. People say, we should take caution when it comes to love. I just want to take things slow. Will it be too much to ask of you to follow my pace? I know you've been waiting for too long now, but I just want to be sure before I take the next step. Will you still wait for me? I just want the moment to be special when I say it. Hahaha. Call me cliche, but a girl can dream ;)

P/S : I don't care what people think about you, feel about you, or even talk about you. I care about how you treat me. And you're treating me better than anything I can ask for :) Doesn't every girl love to be pampered? And yess, I'm a girl :D

Stop stalking me, YOU reading the page right now :P

Does it feel awkward between us?
I don't know.

But time will heal us right (:
I've been making you wait for too long. Broke your heart too many times and yet you've not given up. Maybe its time, time for something to happen.

But,
I'm afraid.

Its not that I don't trust you, cause I honestly do. But, I'm afraid. Fullstop.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I used to be the one, that knows what she's doing. I was so sure of the answers to the questions. But now, I'm just so confused with everything. I feel like I took God's gift to me for granted and now its been taken back. I don't understand anything anymore! I can't concentrate in class, neither at home. I know my friends have been pushing me to get back on track, but I can't find my way to it. I am distracted, my mind is wandering. Is everything getting harder or am I just getting dumber? The pressure is building, the expectations are being stated. I know what people expect from me. When they say; Can you belive I'm teaching Jan Yi how to do this?
I'm clear about the expectations from family, friends, teachers. But I don't know what I expect of myself. Where is my goal? Is it just to please them? For my ego? For my future?

I'm lost.

The guilt starts kicking in after the crime.

I usually have an explanation for everything I do.
Whether its some crap to just back me up, I'd have something to say.
But this time, I'm blunt.

I guess this time, I acted entirely based on emotion.
I didn't know what I was thinking at all.
I just felt, betrayed? There were so many things going on in my mind at one time, confusion, sadness, guilt. But surprisingly, not anger. I did not feel angry at all. More of disappointment. Disappointed to know that was how you felt. Without thinking, I just wanted to tell you how I felt so badly! Somethings are best to be left behind. But this time, I just wanted to get everything out of my chest. I don't wanna live in confusion anymore. There're so many things that we have to explain to each other. Everytime we try talking about this issue, you'd just tell me not to worry and that you don't want our relationship to end. But look at where we are now.

Yeah, I do feel so guilty after pressing send. But not guilty because I spoke my mind. Guilty because I ruined your friendship with him. It was honestly not his fault, it was forced out of him. And I feel guilty for using the wrong words. Well, there's just too many things to be explained and saying it here will not help with anything. I don't wanna wait for time to heal things anymore. Time time time, we don't have enough of it!

Don't you realise time is speeding pass us and we're still stuck where we are?

If only we could go back to being toddlers,
where we forget faster than we forgive.

Man, I screwed up. Yeahh, big time.

Will apologizing change anything? If it even helps, you should know how terribly sorry I am :(

Running away is not a solution.
And yet, I'm the one running now.

When you have no one to talk to,
you talk to the computer :)

History once again repeats itself.
This is all going to be funny when we look back 10 years from now. But as of the moment, I don't see me laughing.
Today, i walked passed you. Heh, that sounds so pathetic. For the past few days, I've been trying to avoid any contact with you. By taking the long way just so I don't have to walk pass your class. By skipping recess just so we won't be at least 10 feet near each other. Heh, why am I doing this? Why should I be doing this? My friend says, even if you act weird, I should just continue being normal, just so it'd be easier on the both of us. Easier said than done. I realised, the more you try to avoid someone, the more you'd bump into that person. That is a fact! Today, hahaa, I purposely walked a longer distance, to use the other stairs, just so I won't bump into you. But I guess we were both playing the who-can-avoid-better game, cause you used that stairs too. Soo, the unavoidable awkward moment started. I waved. I mean, what else was I suppose to do? But obviously, you felt there was another option other than waving, to ignore instead. You once told me, there's a difference between ignoring and avoiding. Ignoring is like not giving any respond to the person and avoiding is totally trying to not run away from that person. I think you're trying to ignore and avoid me. Double trouble, how cool is that? It really is like dejavu. I remember how horrible I felt the last time this happened to me. Even breathing was hard.

Tell me when you want to be friends again, alright. This silence is torturing me and I seriously don't plan on ending my high school life like this. Time will heal, yeah, but how long? One week, two months, a year, ten years maybe? I don't have time to spare...

I hate boys.
In general, I don't.
Just specifically.

If you consider me a boy, then fine, I hate myself.
Why, is the famous question. Of course every decision comes with an answer.
Now heres mine.

Boys, they always win.
In the mind game, I mean.
Yess! Believe it or not, they always win.
And they don't even have a strategy!! Thats the aggravating part -__-
How do they make someone feel so many emotions at one time?!?
Well, girls have many times prove that its possible, thanks to boys.
NOOO! You should not be proud!!

Its like one minute, you're making me so worried and wondering whats happening.
Then, you make me so angry because it was bullshit.
Then you make me happy when you apologize for it!!

And now, you're making me wonder,
where is our relationship going?

But one things for sure,
where ever this journey is taking us,
I don't plan to quit anytime soon ;)

But I still hate boys -__-

Why would a guy like you, talk to a girl like me?

Seee, girls are paranoid -__-

I was looking through some stuffs that day, and it hit me that,
you know so many other people.
You have this huge link of friends, which obviously consist of many many infinity number of girls which are more girly, prettier, kinder, smarter...Oh well, you get the picture.

So, why even talk to me?

Well, its a just a question.
Definitely NOT a complain ;)

Am I the only one that feels the need to talk to you all the time?
I think so.

I know I don't even stand a chance beside her.
She's nicer, funnier, more hyper. And you guys seem to click, just like that!
Its like you were designed for each other.
I should've managed to install that thought into my brain by now,
but somehow, my eyes always seem to flicker to your direction when we're in the same room.
Hahah. Its funny when I think about what teacher said before,
"Sometimes the person you love most, will not love you back. Thats just life."
Soo, what if I don't plan to succome to life?

I see the way you look at her.
The way you take the initiative to talk to her, and just her.
Hahah. Sometimes, I wonder if I look exactly like you when I try to get your attention.
To at least get a glance from you. But, you never look my way.

Should I just give up?
Its easy to fall in love, but difficult to fall out of it.

You know, its funny when you read back your old posts and wonder how did you manage to come up with words and sentences like that? It like a different person is managing your words for you. Well, this is what happens when trouble takes over your minds.

Sometimes the memories of our history flashes through my mind and I wonder over and over again if I made a mistake letting go. But then again, too late to change anything now. Of course I appreciate every moment we spent together. Whether we were laughing, secretly liking, scolding, arguing, lying or whatever crap we were doing. But now it's time to let go. Our memories together will stick close to me while you build your new memories. Truthfully, I'm happy for you (:

Trying is such a simple word, but it holds so much more than just 6 alphabets. We try everyday in life. Whether we're trying to fit in, trying to be funny, trying to laugh or whatever. We all do this for one reason, to be noticed. Who doesn't wanna be the popular one? Who doesn't wanna e loved? But sometimes, things just doesn't go your way. Just because you tried, doesn't mean you'd succeed. 'Cause hey, everyone is trying just as hard as you. Sometimes, I just feel so tired of trying. No wait! Scratch that. I feel tired of failing whenever I try to do something. When I try to laugh along just so i don't get left out, when I try to keep talking just so there wont be an awkward moment, when I try to be funny just so people will laugh with me not at me. Sometimes, you just gotta know when to stop trying. But one things for sure, I'm not going to stop trying now. Even if it means embarrassing myself, or crying in the showers every night, I'd try hard to find who I am. To stop sailing without a compass. To find myself.

And when I do find myself, I'd finally be able to laugh out loud from my heart and not from my mind. I'd be able to stand up tall and be proud of myself. For now, I just need a lil' bit of support from the people around me. I believe that support is where we get our faith and hope for us to keep trying though we failed numerous times.

If I can keep trying, why can't you?

Wow, it has really been a long time since I blogged right? I bet nobody even comes here anymore.
So I guess its safe to dump some shit here right? Hahah.

Well, I really don't know whats going on in my life anymore. Friends whom I used to talk to every minute of everyday are slowly slipping away. Heck, its even a miracle that I say more than 5 words to them in a day. People whom I used to talk to every night is slowly ignoring me. Did so many things change during the holidays?

Sometimes I really don't know what I want. People say, just follow your heart. But my heart can't make up its mind. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Urghh. I'm just really confused with everything right now. Things used to be so simple last time, just like abc. We used to laugh and joke around without any secrets and burden. But I guess as we grow older, the laughter tones down and the burdens build up.

I just don't want to leave high school knowing that our friendship ended like that because of mistakes that nobody could prevent. I want to make a difference in people's lives before leaving, I wanna mark my presence in your hearts because you have done the same to mine. So, please give me another chance to fix us.