For weeks and weeks I've been dreading for this. College day.

Sometimes when you expect alot out of something, you usually get really hit by reality and tumble back, hitting hard on the ground.
I don't know why am I feeling this way. Its like, when I'm in college, everything seems fine. Just making new friends, talking about common interests, and hanging out for lunch. But once I reach home, I just suddenly get this stupid depression shit that makes me so upset and so literally lifeless. Its like, all I can think about is "what if i'll have to spend tmr's break alone?" "what if i gotta roam the college alone?" "what if i'm the dumbest in the class and no one likes me?". Stupid complicated mind.

I know i shouldn't be complaining about my life, since its already good enough that i have my friends with me. I'm not complaining, I'm just trying to figure out why I'm always so upset when I get home. JAN, geez, stop being such a loser ==

Maan, thinking about the work thats gonna be pilled up just adds to my depression state. In a way, I guess it'll take my mind off things? But it still sucks :( I think, and this time, I'm pretty sure, that my class is filled with really smart ppl! Like, I'm gonna be bottom rock :( D.I.E.


I missssss you!!

What does the future hold for me? What is my purpose in life? More specifically, what do I want to pursue in my career life? These are the questions that keep lingering in my mind, leaving me anxious with every decision that I make now. Is my future really laid out for me already? Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about pursuing a career in actuarial studies. But is that really my calling? Or is it just other people’s desire that has been infiltrated in my mind due time? I’ve been writing essays for scholarships, and each one requires me to describe my passion that’s driven me to my career choice. The question is, what is my career choice? Since I have none, I just wrote every essay talking about how I aspire to be an actuarist. After writing so many essays and constantly hearing people’s comments like “You should be an actuarist. Your maths is amazing.” I start subconsciously telling myself that I want to be an actuarist too. Do I really? People say I should pursue actuarial studies because I’m good in add mathematics. Am I really? Truth is, I never thought I was really as good as what I appear to be. And add mathematics is just a very small part of mathematics as a whole. It can really be compared to just another cell in our body! So, what makes me think that I will succeed as an actuarist, or even graduate as one, just because I’m good in add maths?

Confucius once said, “If you do what you like for a living, you’ll never work a day in your life”. When I read that quote, I said to myself “Wow, I want to feel like that one day”. If so, why am I flooded in a pool or confusion now? I just don’t want to make the wrong decision this time. This is probably the most important decision in my life! Right after choosing the right guy to marry.
I wanna do this right. I wanna know for sure, what I wanna pursue and not just let other people talk me into it.

Make. A. Choice!

He is so my inspiration :D HAHAAH

Dang right girl, who needs a boyfriend to feel good? :)

Who put the cookie in the cookie jar?
Hahaah Random :)

Wow, everyone is using tumblr. Why why? Don't they have enough bottles? Gettit? Tumblr = tumbler = bottle? :P
But I shall be loyal to Blogger :) Since this is just like a cyber diary, where you guys can read bout my stuff and maybe relate to my teenage life? Hahaha
That, and also, I have no idea how to work Tumblr. Heheh

Rigght, so yesterday, I had a slight moment of breakdown. Reminiscing about school. It all started 'cause my dear buddy Shamand msged me. Aaaah, yess, I'm blaming it on you.

"Jan, you've been an amazing friend to me and I hope we stay friends forever! Make sure to keep in touch!"

Those were the common phrases that everyone from my primary school wrote in my biodata book. But look who I'm actually keeping in contact with? None of 'em. Thats what truth is. We say one, we mean another.
So now I'm wondering, will it be the same with my high school friends? I already feel like I'm losing out. I miss everything. Like the times we used to walk wherever, talk whenever, sleep however. I feel like I don't know what my journey is anymore now that I've lost passion in everything I do. I just hate this feeling :(

This is all because of work! (& Shamand :P)
It forced me to face the fact that, sooner or later, we'll all have to grow up.
I don't mind growing old, I just . dont . want . to . GROW . UP.

Hey soul sisters :D
Or brothers ;)

Guess who's working? Hahaha None other than ... yours truly :)
Yess, you heard right. I'm actually working! LOL
No interviews, no cv or resume. Just plain sexiness.
HAHA I made that up :P

I'm just helping out with some data entry thing, like a one-day job!
Hey, Rm60 per day. Good money man ;)
But but, since I'm just awesome, they asked me to come back again!
Sooo, like a say, good money :)

But maan, its really tiring to work -.-
Daddy, I love you so much for bringing the bacon home. Hahaha



P/S: I'm actually blogging from work! :P

Time is passing by. Day by day, night by night. Rain or shine, my day still stays. Its like I'm waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a sign, maybe? Waiting for and end, maybe? There seems to be nothing to look forward to nowadays. Gaah, just, gimme something! Happy or sad, at least let me feel something!

To hold on, or to let go?
Its only two days into the new year and I feel like 2010 is slipping away faster than leaking water in a bucket with holes.

Dreams don't always come true. Neither do promises. But I was hoping this one would.

We made a promise, that we will try. That I didn't have to worry each and every day. We made, a promise. But surely, none of us kept to it. I tried. I really did. Every chance I had, I tried to rekindle something. But somehow, I feel you slipping away. The memories of us are faint, fading slowly. The days we spend together were limited, but I still felt you, close enough. It has been a long time since I felt that way. I want to believe that you're still there. I want to believe that you still feel the way you did. But all hope seem to draw me to despair. We knew we'd end up this way, which is why we stood static. I guess we made the right choice.

At least I know what you decided on. So the question is, what am I deciding on. A new year, a new resolution, to forget you? Easier said than done. How does one do that when everything one does reminds one of you? Should I say that you were a curse upon me, or a blessing in diguise? Either way, you're taking up too much of my memory. Ppl say, you need to know when is the right time to let go. I'm not sure if its now, for I'm still waiting for something to happen. But only time will tell, no?

Truth is, I still miss you every single day.