Why do we choose to feel sadness? Out of all the emotions in this world, why sadness? Some can shut it out whenever they want to, but some let the emotion take control of us and feed its need instead of our own. Some, like myself, fall to our knees upon sadness. When we're showered with sadness, we don't run along to shelter, instead we stand under the rain, just letting the sadness consume us, leaving us drenched with depression. Why do we do that? Why do we keep reminding ourselves of the sad parts of the day instead of looking for light in the darkness? Because we are insecure. We're unsure of the future, and we're unsure of our commitment to the present.

I feel like I'm loosing grip of what I have. I know schools about to end. So what? School will end. And we will go to college. There's nothing anyone can do about that. But why am I fussing over it? Why am I so upset when everyone seem to have accepted that fact? Why is it that I keep pondering about the problem which is an impasse? We all know life is but a journey. You cant travel the same road twice, but you can journey on to a new road, new experience, new people. I know what I need to do. But whether I can do it or not, is just another question. Jan, just wake up. Smell the air, the truth. Stop living in your dream. We're leaving high school. We're leaving each other. Full stop.

People say, an end to high school doesn't mean an end to friendship. But why do I feel like I'm already beginning to lose touch of people I love? Its like, I'm not in the girls gang anymore. Heh Why is that even a surprise? I doubt I was ever really in it. Since primary school, I was never really in the girls gang. I used to choose 'ice and fire' over gossip periods. And also punk rock boy bands over girl groups. Girls never chose me from the bunch, because I never stood out. Its just lately that they have been doing things without me. Is it my stupid emotional state thats giving off terrible vibe that keeps them away? Or are they just not so into making friends with me anymore? Whatever it is, I'm loosing touch. And school hasn't even end yet. Its all pretty clear that I'm just feeling pathetic about my life. Who wants to make friends with a sadist?

And then there's you. My friend. You weren't just any friend, I trusted you very much. You were like that little joy to my day's end. Someone who I thought was close to my other half. But then again, my judgement towards people were usually wrong. I always thought you were too good to be true. The words you said, the promises you made. I always knew you weren't the person I imagined you to be. But its just that sometimes you manage to live up to my expectations, and beyond that too. And those small moments keep me lingering on to you for much longer than I was suppose to. I always tell myself, "Maybe you'll surprise me. Maybe it's different this time." But it never was. I don't want to pretend anymore. I can't be like you. Not even half like you. I'm just not carefree. Nor do I mean it when I say, "I'm okay" because most of the time I'm not. But what difference does it make, voicing it out. Maybe there is this part of you that really cares for me. Maybe there isn't. But its just so tiring to linger around and wait for you to show that side of you which may or may not exists. So, I guess its better this way. We're slowly letting go, like its better left untold.

Jan, if there's one thing you need to tell yourself is that, life is a grey area. There's no right or wrong. There's no yes or no. There's no do or don't. Life is what you make of it. Live it to the fullest and you'll learn to live with the consequences of your mistakes. Live it with doubts and you'll forever drown in regrets. Why do you want to leave school remembering the last few days as a solemn piece of memory. Choose to remember something you love as ... well, something you love. Make the right choice now, make the difference!

WAKE UP! Slap me please :(