I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I used to be the one, that knows what she's doing. I was so sure of the answers to the questions. But now, I'm just so confused with everything. I feel like I took God's gift to me for granted and now its been taken back. I don't understand anything anymore! I can't concentrate in class, neither at home. I know my friends have been pushing me to get back on track, but I can't find my way to it. I am distracted, my mind is wandering. Is everything getting harder or am I just getting dumber? The pressure is building, the expectations are being stated. I know what people expect from me. When they say; Can you belive I'm teaching Jan Yi how to do this?
I'm clear about the expectations from family, friends, teachers. But I don't know what I expect of myself. Where is my goal? Is it just to please them? For my ego? For my future?

I'm lost.

The guilt starts kicking in after the crime.

I usually have an explanation for everything I do.
Whether its some crap to just back me up, I'd have something to say.
But this time, I'm blunt.

I guess this time, I acted entirely based on emotion.
I didn't know what I was thinking at all.
I just felt, betrayed? There were so many things going on in my mind at one time, confusion, sadness, guilt. But surprisingly, not anger. I did not feel angry at all. More of disappointment. Disappointed to know that was how you felt. Without thinking, I just wanted to tell you how I felt so badly! Somethings are best to be left behind. But this time, I just wanted to get everything out of my chest. I don't wanna live in confusion anymore. There're so many things that we have to explain to each other. Everytime we try talking about this issue, you'd just tell me not to worry and that you don't want our relationship to end. But look at where we are now.

Yeah, I do feel so guilty after pressing send. But not guilty because I spoke my mind. Guilty because I ruined your friendship with him. It was honestly not his fault, it was forced out of him. And I feel guilty for using the wrong words. Well, there's just too many things to be explained and saying it here will not help with anything. I don't wanna wait for time to heal things anymore. Time time time, we don't have enough of it!

Don't you realise time is speeding pass us and we're still stuck where we are?

If only we could go back to being toddlers,
where we forget faster than we forgive.

Man, I screwed up. Yeahh, big time.

Will apologizing change anything? If it even helps, you should know how terribly sorry I am :(