The Familiar Sorrow.

Today we went and pay respect to Pn.Teh's husband. I didn't know it'd strike me this hard, that the hollow part in me wasn't filled up yet.I went there hoping to make Pn.Teh feel better by giving her support. But instead, I myself broke down in tears. And it wasn't even mine to shed.

I can remember so vividly the familiar chanting from the player. The bouquet of white roses lined up beside the table. The framed up picture in the centre right in front of the coffin. And of course, the body in the coffin itself.While taking small steps towards the coffin, tears already filled up my eyes.I was hesitating.Wondering if I should look into the coffin. Wondering if it'd bring back the painful feelings that filled the house the day he left. And yes, it did. It was like dejavu all over again. Instead, this time, reality struck harder.

I knew I should've been strong. And I regretted not doing so.I regretted making a fool out of myself, letting my emotions conquer me, and thus destroying the walls that Pn.Teh built around herself to stay strong. But I just can't help it. I should know that I've cried enough when he actually left, but to relive the scene once more? It felt as if he left me again. Once was enough.

I do miss him soo dearly. Remembering the times he used to fetch me around, buy me food while I spent my school holidays with him and my grandmother. I practically grew up believing that my grandma and him were my 2nd parents. I knew I wasn't very fond of him when I was younger. But as I grew older, I noticed how much he loved me,even if I might have made him sad countless times. I regret not being the best grandchild that I could've been. I regret not telling you I Love You every single day. There's so many things that I wish to talk to you about. Soo many things that I want to apologize for. I didn't even get to tell you how much I relly love you before you left.

I hope you still hear me now. Screaming at the top of my lungs, telling you how much I really love you, grandpa.