This boy, missed his aim when he tried to throw an ice to his friend.
And thus, broody ice wacked my head.
It hit hard. The pain was unbearable. But I wasn't sure if it was the pain on my forehead, or in my guts.

I tend to make the same mistake everytime! And this time, there's no turning back. Once lost, gone forever. I can't believe I did it. What was I thinking? My mind, my heart, my actions. Urggh! I probably just lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
When you asked me why I like you, I just got scared. I don't know why. That night, my mind just went cuckoo and the next thing I knew, I lost you. I mean, gosh, I LIKE YOU. I like it when you care about me, I like it when you're honest with me, I like it when you wait for me everytime after school. But now, I'm only left with your shadow. You striked me when you said you didn't wanna be with me cause I feel guilty. I guess thats why I got scared. I like you, but I don't know why. Why? Isit because of the guilt? Isit enought overcome the guilt? Isit enough to commit myself to you? I have no idea. Thats why I freaked out, I didn't wanna use you. In whatever way, I didn't wanna do it. But what difference does it make? You're still broken up into pieces. Worse than ever this time. I keep doing this. On-off liking you. On-off hurting you, deeper each time. I'm so sick of it. So sick of myself. Every felt like you hate yourself so much that you don't mind just dying? I close my eyes and I see the pain in your eyes. I wake up each morning feeling so sick of myself. I can't even look at myself anymore. This bitch is staring at me when I look into the mirror. I can't face you anymore. I can't look at you without feeling ashamed of myself. I'm so tired of being me.

Carry on, you won't miss me when I'm gone, won't hear the phone ring. Yeah, I'm guilty, guilty of everything.
Free by Boys Like Girls (this has always been my theme song with you)

Sonnet 21.5
The pain, the sorrow, the tears in my eyes,
Are all I feel whenever you pass by,
The heart can't syncronise, with the mind,
The minute I decided to say goodbye.

Your love was deep, your love was strong,
Straight from the heart and lasted long.
I swear upon the pureness of your love,
Which can be compared to a glorious dove.

But I, foolish, naive and completely absurd,
Threw your love without a word.
Sorry; is all I have to make yours,
though I know sorry might not cure.

Now, here I sit, reciting these lines,
Confused, remorsed and completely messed in the mind.

Hahaha. You wanna know whats on my mind?

Well I'm thinking that, you'll be reading this soon. LOL
And also, I'm thinking about how I'm brainstorming to update my blog, while you're snoring your head off :P

Hmm, I'm also thinking that I don't want to like you.
I don't wanna feel frustrated or worried. Paranoid when something really small happens. I don't wanna smile like an idiot when you msg me, or frown patheticly when you don't.
But what can I do, when I already do like you?
Hahah. I told you before right? I always act as if I'm good at these things. Giving advices and all. But truth is, I've got bad experiences. Yeap, really bad ones caused by countless mistakes I made, even with you, that has left me with too much regret. I don't wanna regret this time. People say, we should take caution when it comes to love. I just want to take things slow. Will it be too much to ask of you to follow my pace? I know you've been waiting for too long now, but I just want to be sure before I take the next step. Will you still wait for me? I just want the moment to be special when I say it. Hahaha. Call me cliche, but a girl can dream ;)

P/S : I don't care what people think about you, feel about you, or even talk about you. I care about how you treat me. And you're treating me better than anything I can ask for :) Doesn't every girl love to be pampered? And yess, I'm a girl :D

Stop stalking me, YOU reading the page right now :P

Does it feel awkward between us?
I don't know.

But time will heal us right (:
I've been making you wait for too long. Broke your heart too many times and yet you've not given up. Maybe its time, time for something to happen.

But,
I'm afraid.

Its not that I don't trust you, cause I honestly do. But, I'm afraid. Fullstop.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I used to be the one, that knows what she's doing. I was so sure of the answers to the questions. But now, I'm just so confused with everything. I feel like I took God's gift to me for granted and now its been taken back. I don't understand anything anymore! I can't concentrate in class, neither at home. I know my friends have been pushing me to get back on track, but I can't find my way to it. I am distracted, my mind is wandering. Is everything getting harder or am I just getting dumber? The pressure is building, the expectations are being stated. I know what people expect from me. When they say; Can you belive I'm teaching Jan Yi how to do this?
I'm clear about the expectations from family, friends, teachers. But I don't know what I expect of myself. Where is my goal? Is it just to please them? For my ego? For my future?

I'm lost.

The guilt starts kicking in after the crime.

I usually have an explanation for everything I do.
Whether its some crap to just back me up, I'd have something to say.
But this time, I'm blunt.

I guess this time, I acted entirely based on emotion.
I didn't know what I was thinking at all.
I just felt, betrayed? There were so many things going on in my mind at one time, confusion, sadness, guilt. But surprisingly, not anger. I did not feel angry at all. More of disappointment. Disappointed to know that was how you felt. Without thinking, I just wanted to tell you how I felt so badly! Somethings are best to be left behind. But this time, I just wanted to get everything out of my chest. I don't wanna live in confusion anymore. There're so many things that we have to explain to each other. Everytime we try talking about this issue, you'd just tell me not to worry and that you don't want our relationship to end. But look at where we are now.

Yeah, I do feel so guilty after pressing send. But not guilty because I spoke my mind. Guilty because I ruined your friendship with him. It was honestly not his fault, it was forced out of him. And I feel guilty for using the wrong words. Well, there's just too many things to be explained and saying it here will not help with anything. I don't wanna wait for time to heal things anymore. Time time time, we don't have enough of it!

Don't you realise time is speeding pass us and we're still stuck where we are?

If only we could go back to being toddlers,
where we forget faster than we forgive.

Man, I screwed up. Yeahh, big time.

Will apologizing change anything? If it even helps, you should know how terribly sorry I am :(